So, I've been generally keep this to myself for a while and keeping it as private journal posts on my own blog, but at this point, I just want to scream my frustrations out to the world and see how it reacts.
Please bare with me and hopefully people won't be too judgmental. I placed it under hide tags because it is ridiculous. :sweat:
[HIDE]I really, really,
really wish I could be the type of girl who can just go to a club, party it up and go to bed with a handsome young man to spend one passionate night with and feel alright with myself.
Alas, I can never be that physically and emotionally vulnerable with a complete stranger.
While I have been dating since I was 14, I was sexually active until I was 17 and then didn't swipe my V-card so to speak until a year later with the guy I ended up dating until this past January. That's nearly a decade of dating one guy. The guy I honestly thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with.
He was perfect in my eyes. So incredibly handsome, articulate, smart, gamer, watched anime, and so incredibly silly and romantic.
Then, it all just fell apart. It seemed he realized just how wonderful he was and wanted to just experience new things outside of our relationship and our own little nerdoms. I suddenly felt unappreciated, unwanted and ignored. It's certainly my own fault too because I made him my world. It was all him 24/7 for me that I sacrificed friendships, school and work.
Then, when I started to pull myself together trying to take better care of myself, reconnecting with old friends, and putting more effort into school and work, I thought things would change but it didn't. We argued more and eventually, we decided to take a "break" around my 25th birthday.
However, despite how our rocky our relationship was, I thought, come our 7th year anniversary, there'd be something special. I mean, we had been the best of friends for nearly 10 years and it, to me, was worth celebrating.
But, alas, he decided that spending time with his friends merited more than I did. So, I was left spending our anniversary in tears. I don't think I've ever been hurt that badly or cried that hard. Even now when I think of it, I find my eyes start to water, 7 months later. It's something I can never forget and something I'm still finding it very difficult to forgive. The day after, he came to my house and we broke up.
About 5 months later, we reconnected and he's been going through the motions of trying to bridge the friendship we had. It's a bit rocky, especially since I believe I merit more effort than he's giving especially knowing how bad he fucked up in the end. At the moment, I am just giving what I receive.
Sadly, however, I openly admitted to still being ridiculously in love with him lately and *sigh* it doesn't help that he knows me well enough that I would drop a dime to sleep with him again.
I really wish sometimes that I was still a virgin when we broke up because to experience that kind of passionate love then yank it away from me is just...
I thought at this point, I'd be able to find someone to replace him, but so far, no one has compared and it's sooooo infuriating. The one guy I thought would compare doesn't see me like that, but that's okay because he is now one of my best friends.
*sigh* I'm tired of being the girl who loves the drop dead gorgeous, cool geeky guy who doesn't see himself as drop dead gorgeous, cool guy then when he does, he leaves me to be a normal drop dead gorgeous cool guy who isn't into geeky stuff anymore.
You wanna talk about rare geeky girls? Well, I seem to find them a lot more than I do rare, hot, socially fluent, geeky guys willing to be the love my life and rock my socks off in the bedroom and out of it.
I know that the best I can do is keep on living my life the best that I can, keep working out, solidify my career, enjoy what fandoms I have and put myself out there and that rare guy and I will cross paths one day and the world will implode with our awesomeness.
Until then, I sadly, will have to deal with these moments when I'm still pining for that one that left me and try to spend my spare sexual frustration into playing games or just smacking thing around with my shinai. [/HIDE]
/rant
My sincere apologies for the angry personal essay. I'm so sorry~