Kamen Rider Kiva: Chains of Destiny

[KamenRiderKira]

A few bits of random feedback:

Your dialog is a bit lifeless. Villains say generic villain things and the hero says a lot of generic hero things. Remember, every character in a story should ideally speak in his or her own distinct voice. They should not say things that other characters could easily say.

Lynxara wrote wanted to say. Generally, I don't feel them as characters beyond their hero/villain role. The dialogue needs emotions, a bit more feeling and more humanity into them. Take that last line for example:

“It gets better,” I heard. Turning, I saw a man walking up. “Trust me.”

“Nani mono da?” I asked. “Who are you?”

“Nago Keisuke….Kamen Rider Ixa.”

Since this is a First person POV, you should have wrote the emotion of the character as he saw Keisuke. Here's a sample:

“Oh, it gets better,” I heard a voice from behind me say. Surprised for a fraction of a second, I tensed my body defensively and turned quickly, narrowing my eyes as I saw a man walking up to me. “Trust me.”

There was something in his voice that irked me, a smug undertone that practically gloated that he knew something that I didn't. I frowned, instantly annoyed at this stranger.

“Nani mono da?” I asked hotly, before realizing what I said. “Who are you?” I repeated in English, hoping that my angry tone covered my embarrassment for slipping into Japanese in my annoyance.

“Nago Keisuke…." The stranger smirked haughtily, infuriating me even more. "Kamen Rider Ixa.”


The dialogues generally depends on your interpretations of the character. Here I gave Keisuke the 'I know more that you' smug personality, and Daniel the indignantly surprised rookie. Notice that I used the Japanese phrase to suit my dialogue and give it a bit more color.

Well, I'm rambling, heh. I hope this helped you dude :thumbs:

 

[Dmikel91]

It does a bit, yeah.

“Nani mono da?” I asked hotly, before realizing what I said. “Who are you?” I repeated in English, hoping that my angry tone covered my embarrassment for using slipping into my natural tongue in annoyance.

Right here, though, theres something that I want to point out to you: Daniel isn't Japanese at all. He's learned Japanese as a second language, and he reverts to that when he's angry most of the time.

 

[KamenRiderKira]

Heheh (sheepish). Well that doesn't matter anymore does it? That was my interpretation of Daniel in that particular paragraph, not yours.

And also because I was in a bit of a rush when I wrote that. So I forgot that fact. :laugh: That's what editing is for, and why we have to look back and make sure we don't have inconsistency.

Heres an edited version

“Nani mono da?†I asked hotly, before realizing what I said. “Who are you?†I repeated in English, hoping that my angry tone covered my embarrassment for slipping into Japanese in my annoyance.

Well I hoped that helped Good luck on the rest of your fic, I hope it gets better.:thumbs:

(goes to edit last post, whistling)

 

[Dmikel91]

I started this originally when I was bored one day without power at home. I'd finished the season the night before, and I was just wanting to try something different.

I do the best that I can with the time that I have. I don't get a lot of time to write, that's true, but it's not my fault. I don't have any control over the life that I've been stuck with. I don't even get a lot of feedback or anything on this. My girlfriend, up until now, has been the only one that has been reading it and giving me ideas and things for this.