The Valiants (Rated 12) - Application Thread

[Scotty Rave]

Game Thread

THE VALIANTS

Written by Scott D. Harris
The Valiants is the property of Scott D. Harris© (so no nicking it!)

Introduction / Rules​

The Valiants is a character-driven superhero story I originally conceived a few months ago. It takes place in an alternate version of the year 2000, the end of a very different 20th century, which I'll describe n the next post. Unlike Time Riders, I'm putting a limit to how many people can join, whether hero or villain. This is because it makes the RPG much easier to organise, so if you want to be accepted, you must be able to:

• Write coherently. That means no mashed together paragraphs where it's almost impossible or simply boring to try working out what's going on. Come on people, you were taught English in school for a reason. If you think that means you have to write ridiculously long paragraphs, it doesn't, because I understand sometimes it's hard to put details in without being stupid about it.
• Create a character, or characters (I'm allowing up to three each so long as you can handle it), that is well thought out and will develop properly as time goes on. One of the main problems with Time Riders is the lack of real player cooperation, and since this is a game, doesn't it make sense that we can be friends over this?
• Keep up with the story so that we don't have to keep going back and repeat ourselves about what's happening. I don't mean sit at your computer 24/7, because we all have lives outside the board, and on that note, try not to put up too many posts a day. I won't put down an actual limit, as I'm sure good players will know when enough is enough for now.

Now, that's the basics to help you decide if you can actually play. Below are the actual rules of the game. They're mainly standard, but worth a quick gander anyway.

• This RPG is rated 12. That means I will allow mildly sexual references (but nothing graphic, making out's fine, but none of the old in-out). If you think it's important to the plot or will become an important factor later, just say that it happened, but don't go into detail. Some things should stay private. I am also going to be nice and let you get away with mild swear words, but know when to draw the line and don't use it too often. I don't really have a problem with swearing, but that's my own inclination, and I realise a certain age group of people may at one point browse through this thread.
• There is no real storyline, but separate sagas that follow a main villain. By default, I will play the main villain, however if you think you have a great idea for an arc, send me a private message telling me the story, and if I like it, we'll talk.
• This is one people seem to think I love and easily get angry about. I don't get angry, but it is extremely annoying to see people do this. GOD-MODDING and POWER-PLAYING! These are defined as when a player acts more powerful than they should and take control of gameplay elements (i.e. other people's characters) that aren't their own. Not every one of your attacks is going to hit, but not every attack is going to be dodged either. If a player has to leave for a certain amount of time, they can leave their characters to another player(s) but the other player(s) cannot kill off said characters without the express permission of the original creator.
• Give everybody a chance to play. If two characters are having a private conversation, say so in an OOC and we'll back off and let you carry it out, but don't make it drag on for ages and ages, and don't give away vital plot elements unless you're absolutely certain it's the right time.

That's all the rules out of the way for now. There are minor ones here and there in the character application, but only so they're easier to remember and you don't have to keep scrolling up and down the page.

Application Form​

REAL NAME:
AGE:
D.O.B. Remember that this story begins in 2000.
ETHNIC ORIGIN:
OCCUPATION: What does your character do outside of hero-ing?
ALIGNMENT: Good, evil or neutral?
ALLEGIANCE: If the character belongs to a team or works under someone, who is it? A hero doesn’t necessarily work for the Valiants, and there’s nothing stopping you from being a hero/villain-for-hire.

ALIAS:
POWERS: Don’t be silly with this. Only use powers that are practical. Don’t have, say, 10 types of vision if you don’t intend to use them all at some point. They don’t have to be supernatural, it could just be that your character is a judo expert or an elite hacker left over from the Net War.
WEAKNESSES: Everyone has weaknesses. It doesn’t have to be something like kryptonite, the best weaknesses come from the character’s personality, such as a phobia or even some kind of obsession or prejudice. There’s nothing stopping you from being totally messed up inside.
GADGETS: Some heroes don’t have any powers beyond their peak physical condition, and others like to be creative. Once more, be practical with these gadgets. They should be useful in some way, like Spiderman’s web-shooters or Batman’s batarangs.

REGULAR APPEARANCE: A brief outline of the character's appearance. Picture acceptable.
COSTUME APPEARANCE: A brief outline of the hero/villain's costume. Picture acceptable.

PERSONALITY: Just a few lines so we can understand the basis of the character. Likes, dislikes, fears, loves, how s/he interacts with others, all that jive.
HISTORY: Just a few lines. Everyone has a history, but don’t go into boring detail.

Current Character Roster​

Heroes
THE VALIANTS: The United Kingdom's premiere superhero team, the Valiants operate out of the Millennium Dome, which serves as both a base and a home for some of the members.

• Harold Goddard / Lionman - Scotty Rave
• Sakura Chiba / White Dream - MagiPink
• Gilbert Bahn / Archetype - rumble
• Luciano Valentino / Black Bullet - xin
• Michael Windra / Crimson - Tigerhawk21

• Demetri Valentine / Jackal - Demetrivamp
• Kyle Marks / The Combatant - Henshiner

Villains
L.E.G.I.O.N: A mysterious international terrorist organisation led by Mephisto.

• Mephisto - Henshiner

• Stavros Diodorus / The Mad Greek - Scotty Rave

Others

NPCs

• King Richard IV (57 years old) - The current King of England, Emperor of the Indian and African Colonies, Emperor of America and Canada, and a member of the Sovereign Caleigo. Strong, fiery and ever-vigilant, King Richard is a proud warrior who established the Supernatural Order of the Valiant Charge and appointed his second son as its leader. It is often said that Richard wields both Excalibur, as a descendant of Arthur Pendragon, and the Lance of Longinus, after the death of Adolph Hitler.
• Prince Randall (35 years old) - The jittery first-born son of King Richard and next in line for the throne.
• David Deary - The current prime minister of Great Britain, who is in charge of running the country's government under the supervision of King Richard.
• Terry Torrance - Public relations manager to the Valiants, he is an expert at what he does and is a strict worker. Terry is heavily connected in the media, allowing him to crush any kind of smear campaign against the team with relative ease.
• Amber Park - In charge of supervising the Valiants who still attend compulsary education. She is a kind person, and values proper schooling very highly. Like any good teacher, she favours good pupils, and has less patience with inactive ones, but this doesn't deter her from her duties.

 

[Scotty Rave]

Alternate history of the 20th century
Special thanks to JeffJaffe​

Plenty of reading material here, people. It's a doozy.

• The British Empire holds much of the world in the palm of its hand, and the many nations are now at peace, deciding to compete economically and technologically, in place of warfare and bloodshed. America proves to be a formidable opponent in what will become known as ‘The World Race.’
  
• 1900: Thomas Edison fails to showcase his inventions at the World Exposition as a storm delays his ship from arriving in London on time. This causes the development of technology to take off at a somewhat slower pace and harnessed electricity does not reach Europe in its truest form as intended for several years.
  
• The Russian monarchs seek out and use technology that is beyond the reach of the common man, but this sparks a revolution, and the royals fled the mobs via automobile. The Tsar escapes to his more welcoming allies in England, and returns to Russia with the full fury of the Empire, effectively crushing the communist revolt. Unfortunately, this means that the Americans are the only ones left to defend the Western Front, which they lose to the Germans. Outraged, the Americans make arrangements with the Japanese, and the two countries fight against Germany throughout the 1920s.
  
• Meanwhile, Russia’s condition worsens under the Tsar’s poor rule. Seeing this as an opportunity, China’s Sino armies invade the weakened kingdom, thus becoming the largest country on the planet, with plenty of land under their control.
  
• The continued war between Germany and the American-Japanese alliance means that the depression of the 1930s never takes place, as the fighting made the two latter countries more powerful, but their imperialistic attitude is also strengthened.
  
• By the 1940s, America owns much of what were once Poland, France, Spain, the Netherlands and Western Germany. That’s when a great leader comes forth from the ashes of the lost land – one Adolph Hitler. Having grown tired of the carnage that ruined his country, and using his impressive leadership skills, he grows in power, creating national fervour the likes of which has never been seen before. He convinces his people that the Americans are inhuman dogs, and Germany, along with the other conquered territories, rise up in protest. After also becoming involved with logic-minded Jewish businessmen in the US, Adolph is able to utterly destroy the American infrastructure from within, leading to a halt in all military development.
  
• By the mid-1940s, America has entered the Great Depression. With national morale shattered, Japan retreats and allies itself with Korea and several East Asian nations to form the reclusive Japanese Empire. The Imperial Nation of China engages in conflict with the British Empire, who still have their control over Taiwan and Hong Kong.
  
• Meanwhile, Hitler continues to bring about great change, and in a move that shocks allies and enemies alike, offers aid to the impoverished America, and through unilateral discussions, rebuilds the country albeit with more Germanic influence, changing the United States into the United Territories. However, many of Germany’s brilliant minds, including Albert Einstein, feel that their efforts are for naught in a humanitarian country, and move to the struggling Japanese Empire to offer their intelligence. Throughout the 1950s, they work together on a project that will eventually become the atomic bomb.
  
• With the Americans and the Germans working together, Japan feels betrayed. After fighting in the name of the American cause for so many years, only to see their ally siding with the enemy, they become embittered and hostile. With the aid of the world’s greatest minds, they seek to strike back and have their vengeance.
  
• China, in the meantime, has become a global giant thanks to their rapidly growing industrial power, with factories cropping up everywhere from St. Petersburg to Shanghai. They are the manufacturing powerhouse of the world, while Europe concentrates more on farming and art.
  
• Canada, now free of the damper of American business, grows increasingly powerful due to their natural resources, which their shrewd business heads sell to China, raking in billions of larans (Canadian currency) as a result.
  
• 1961: Japan’s efforts come to fruition, and they strike with giant nuclear-powered automations, the first robots. They first attack China on their route across the globe, and with a military nowhere near as advanced as the invaders, the Chinese have no chance in combat. Instead, they side with Japan, signing over their massive industrial power, and due to their previous contracts, Canada is also pulled into the transition despite protests.
  
• In retaliation, America strikes out at Canada in an attempt to take the country back by force.
  
• The combined might of the Japanese Empire and the Eurasian lands march across the Pacific. As a country that has been without war for almost two decades, America loses its western coast. Their German brethren plot to take it back, but all weapons and tactics prove useless against the sheer size and strength of the automatons.
  
• 1963: Eventually, the United Territories has fallen, and now, drunk on power, the Japanese march on towards Britain. However, as they approach the Irish border, they are met with unexpected resistance, from Germany’s own automations, which prove superior to the Asians. The British Isles becomes a battleground for the two forces. In truth, Hitler has been working towards this for a long time, with his ultimate goal to be the complete destruction of America. His first step was to create the false peace to ensure the once ruined country became weak, and then sent his best scientists across the ocean to Asia to build inferior automations, whilst keeping their own war-robots secret. With the UT devastated, the Germans defeat their other enemy: Japan. Adolph finally achieves his revenge.
  
• 1965: Between now and the surprise attack on the Irish border, the British and Germans have been in stalemate, however, Adolph Hitler’s tragic death causes a collapse in morale amongst his followers, and the German Empire begins to fall. With automations, now called ‘mechs’ spread out all across the planet, they no longer have any kind of distinct advantage. With a diminished national will, Germany struggles to hold its empire together, but amongst the constant warfare and mech-based terrorism, the country retreats into itself, thus losing all of their territories and bringing Adolph’s legacy to an end.
  
• The process of rebuilding the tarnished nations takes many years, and eventually, the war-torn America is annexed into Canada, bringing them back under British rule. Although many patriots are upset, it allows them to begin rebuilding on a wider scale. The loss of economic trade weakens China, and they are eventually forced to surrender a portion of Russia (mostly its western region).
  
• Russia, led by Kritopf Stalin, re-enters trades with Britain and Asia. While Japan rebuilds itself after the devastation caused by the ‘Mech Wars’, a time of general but uneasy peace carries on until the mid-1970s.
  
• It is at this time when Vietnam rebel against their ‘German’ overlords and after brief hostilities, becomes independent under the leadership of Ho Chi Minh. Mechs continue to develop, but oil for the industrial and military models is an issue, while the early steam-powered types have been modified for civilian use. The British Empire leads a rush into the Middle East to obtain more oil, and having been sheltered from the rest of the world for the majority of the century, they are easily conquered. No conflict arises, and the Middle East becomes the primary source for the world’s oil.
  
• In the late 1970s, the world prepares to enter the Space Age. The first step in this is the introduction of the internet, created by a group of computer programmers who prefer to remain anonymous, going by the alias of the ‘Data Masters.’ Their creation is interwoven with the mechs. This proves to be a disastrous mistake, as hackers of all kinds break into mech production facilities and cause worldwide chaos. This will be forever known as the ‘Net War.’ While the hackers who do not end up wiping each other out are eventually arrested, it makes the nations of the planet realise that they will have to rely on technological aptitude over brute force from now on.
  
• 1982: With this rise in telecommunications, INASA (InterNational Aeronautics and Space Administration) finally launch their first satellites into space, and thanks to the mech technology, colonisation projects begin not long after.
  
• 1989: The first space colony ‘ASTROTOWN-1’ is established on the moon.
  
• 1994: The second space colony ‘ASTROTOWN-2’ is established on Mars. Unfortunately, this rapid development of American space travel opens old wounds, and the German Republic, Japanese Shogunate and Chinese Empire enter the Space Race. By now, it is believed Jupiter’s moon Titan houses its own supply of water and is surrounded by a breathable atmosphere, meaning the possibility of a second Earth is a popular subject of debate.

 

[Scotty Rave]

REAL NAME: Prince Harold Goddard (Harry for short)
AGE: 22
D.O.B. 24/April/1978
ETHNIC ORIGIN: Britain
OCCUPATION: No real occupation due to the government funding for the Valiants, but is publicly known as the second-born Prince of England.
ALIGNMENT: Good
ALLEGIANCE: The Valiants (leader)

ALIAS: Lionman
POWERS:

• Peak physical condition from regular exercise.
• Highly skilled in kickboxing, having trained since the age of 8.
• Finely tuned sense of hearing.

WEAKNESSES:

• Extreme arrogance; allows his royal bloodline and position as leader to go to his head.
• Easily obsessive; will chase a villain down without considering the consequences, which can lead to violence when he catches up with them.
• Demanding of others; tends to forget that not everybody shares his opinions towards fighting villains, and has little impatience with their personal lives, which he deems as unimportant. This also means he has a lot of trouble holding them together as a team and he has a lot to learn about them.

GADGETS:

• Jet-stream boots; his boots, designed by the Ministry of Defence, manipulate air through the soles, allowing Lionman to move with increased speed and even defy gravity. When wearing them, he always hovers about an inch off the ground.
• Sword; worn on a silver band around his right thigh, the sword starts as a gold baton but when pressure is applied, the hilt pops out and the three-foot blade extends.

REGULAR APPEARANCE: Harold is a tall fellow with an athletic (not too muscular), broad-shouldered build and tanned skin from numerous trips to Ibiza. He has pale blue eyes and curtained, strawberry blonde hair. The only notable bodily blemishes he has are an appendix scar, and a second scar across his back from his very first battle with his archenemy, Diamond Geezer. His usual attire is a t-shirt with a pointy collar and the top two buttons undone, bell-bottoms, Beatle boots and fingerless gloves.
COSTUME APPEARANCE: A dark blue body suit with a layer of Kevlar padding inside and a gold, stylised ‘L’ in the middle of his chest. He wears the Valiant badge (a gold-and-crimson medal) in the top right corner of his chest. Gold gloves (with tassels) and jet-stream boots. A silver band is wrapped around his right thigh where it holds his sword in its portable baton form. Finishing off the costume is a combined mask and wig – the visage of the Union Flag with two white eyepieces, and long, gold hair resembling a mane.

PERSONALITY: Harold believes he’s a born leader, and unfortunately that’s far from the truth. Not only is he ill-tempered, impatient and hot-headed, but obnoxious and highly strung. He argues frequently with the others over trivial matters, and sticks to his exercise regime almost religiously. He has no tolerance for criminals and low-lives, but his righteous rage often leads to violent outbursts.
On the positive side, he is chivalrous to those he sees as respectful and cannot resist a damsel in distress. His determination means he will never give up in a fight, and he has a deeply embedded sense of self-sacrifice that only arises when his team-mates are in dire peril.
Harold suffers from intense coulrophobia (fear of clowns) due to an incident in his youth, and autophobia (fear of being left alone) which could be the catalyst for the aforementioned self-sacrifice.
HISTORY: The second-born of King Richard IV and Queen Swan by three years, Harold quickly became interested in his family’s history, and became a sort of fan to Richard I, otherwise known as Richard the Lionheart. While his older brother was absorbed in his studies and nervously prepared for when he would become King Randall, Harold wanted to be a second ‘Lionheart.’ His father enrolled him in kickboxing classes. When super-powered villains like Diamond Geezer and Dr. Alchemy started to appear all over the world, King Richard established the Supernatural Order of the Valiant Charge, or the Valiants for short, a knightly order reserved only for superheroes. Harold was appointed the first Valiant and the team leader, purchasing the Millennium Dome and converting it into a hi-tech headquarters.

 

[MagiPink]

REAL NAME: Sakura Chiba
AGE: 22
D.O.B.: 25/December/1978
ETHNIC ORIGIN: Japanese
OCCUPATION: Spirit Medium
ALIGNMENT: Good
ALLEGIANCE: Valiants

ALIAS: White Dream
POWERS:
Precognition - A presentiment of the future; a foreboding.

Spirit Communication - Able to communicate with the spirits.

Flesh Memories - Able to detect flesh memories by touching a mere object that came in target with the person. Flesh memories are recorded memories of the person in contact of the object (i.e. Book, earring…etc), which the spirit medium is able to view it from their eyes for long that person was in contact with the item.

WEAKNESSES: Sakura suffers from a mild case of claustrophobia. She can withstand being in small places, but only for so long, because when the place becomes crowded, Sakura slips into a state of anxiety (and later fear), leading to difficulties controlling her powers.

GADGETS: Spiritual Crystal - It’s purpose serves to amplify the wearer’s spiritual energy

Spiritual Ribbon Baton (Part of the Spiritual Crystal) - Uses this to transform into White Dream. Placing both hands over the crystal, Sakura brings it up to her lips and kiss it lightly. The crystal then omit a small orb of light that takes on the shape of the baton. Doing a simple traditional dance, a pink ribbon emerges from the tip, that she twirls around her. The baton disappears as the ribbon covers her body from the neck down, illuminating her body in a pure light that breaks revealing her costume. To complete the transformation, a ribbon floats around her hair and ties it into place.

REGULAR APPEARANCE: (Examples have been hyperlink for your visual reference)

Sakura is an agile woman (medium height), soft pale skin, soft lavender eyes, busty chest (i.e. Burn Up W) and waist-length long flowing, raven-hair. There’s a small bodily blemish on the back of her neck, hidden from with her hair. The birthmark resembles that of a feather.

Sakura‘s clothing attire consists of: (Examples have been hyperlink for your visual reference)

Spirit Medium - Similar fashion to that of a Miko (Shrine Maiden) with a few modifications to signify her family branch line. The dress of a miko (traditionally and what is still worn today) is a chihaya, which consists of a dark red hakama, pleated pants (like kendoka wear), a white kimono shirt with very long and wide sleeves, and tabi socks. White or red ribbons often adorn their hair. Sakura’s family branch line chihaya’s, consists of a soft pink hakama with Sakura blossoms printed on the fabric, pleated pants (like kendoka wear), a white kimono shirt with very long and wide sleeves (with Sakura blossoms printed on the end of the sleeves), and tabi socks. Her long raven-hair is tied up at the very end with a pink ribbon midway. The chihaya cannot conceal her busty chest.

Street Clothes - A short sleeve white blouse/shirt and skort, with fashionable tennis shoes. Sakura’s long raven-hair is worn down (or occasionally in a ponytail). The blouse/shirt does little (or hardly at all) to conceal her busty chest.

COSTUME APPEARANCE: Here is a visual of White Dream’s(The example has been hyperlink for your viewing visual). The only difference besides the obvious blonde hair, would be the skirt. It is more of a soft pink color with white Sakura blossoms. The metal wristbands are silver, and does not have the cross. In its place is the Spiritual Crystal.

PERSONALITY: Sakura is open-minded, patient, kind hearted, loyal and compassionate. When it comes to criminals (in all forms) she has little tolerance, however she does try to understand what led them to a life of injustice in order to help them. This is because she is aware that when he/she dies, their spirit is enslaved to their own self-torment for all eternity, unable to move onto the afterlife. If the criminal is able to show remose, then she would do everything in her power to help them. Unfortunately, her kind heart can lead her into trouble.

HISTORY: The fourth daughter born into the main branch of the Chiba household, Sakura is the latest in a long line of spirit mediums (often mistaken for mere fortune tellers). Sakura's branch of the family is the strongest, without the need to use charms and trinkets. They are so in tune with the spirit realm that they are revered throughout the world. At present, only a few surviving members of the Chiba family continue their otherworldly business, and with her siblings having passed away on two separate occasions years ago, she is the only one left. As a young child, Sakura became trapped beneath the rubble of their old house, which had just been utterly destroyed in an earthquake. Her older brother Kai used himself as a human shield to protect her, but in doing so, sacrificed his own life.

 

[Scotty Rave]

Okay, you're accepted, MagiPink. I like the way you gave visual links, because it really helps those who don't know the terms for Japanese holy clothes.

 

[Demetrivamp]

REAL NAME: Demetri Valentine

AGE: 15

D.O.B. 1985

ETHNIC ORIGIN: Greek

OCCUPATION: Demetri is a high school student who is always on permanent standby encase he is needed by the police to stop drug and weapon deals or to help the police arrest large groups of gang members or criminals.

ALIGNMENT: Good

ALLEGIANCE: Demetri works for the Greece police department on special missions where his eyes are needed

ALIAS: Jackal

POWERS: The Demon's Eyes:

Demetri's power is that if a person looks into his eyes he can see their greatest desires or there greatest fears,and bring them to life for one minute. This power does not hurt the person physically, if it is a nightmare, it can cause permanent mental damage

WEAKNESSES: Even though Demetri's eyes are powerful they have a few drawbacks. One of the these is that he can not use his eyes effect on the same person within twenty four hours.

The second drawback is he can only use the eyes six times in one day and if he uses it the seventh time he will not be able to see for three days, and won't be able to use his powers for twenty four hours following his period of blindness..

The third drawback is even though he can use it six times a day he must wait five minutes for the eyes to recharge. Also if the person has their eyes covered Demetri won't be able to use the eyes' effect.

Demetri is only fifteen so he isn't extremely strong, and so he normally doesn't fight hand to hand without a weapon. Also Demetri is very shy and dislikes using his eyes on people he believes to be good people so he disobeys orders ,and doesn't use them on the target or targets he is given.

GADGETS: In times when he must defend himself he carries around a Smith & Wesson model 686 magnum revolver(SW686).


If someone were to get too close, or he runs out of ammo, he also carries a set of small dirks(dirks) in his sleeves, which he can quickly pull out and use in his defense

REGULAR APPEARANCE: Demetri has olive skin and spiky, black hair with blonde highlights. His eyes are green and cat-like. Most of the time, he wears a tight shirt with vertical black and white stripes, black jeans and black Converses. He finishes up the ensemble with a cross necklace (for good luck).

COSTUME APPEARANCE: Demetri's costume is really his normal appearance, but he has been working on one. ( Later in the story I will make him one maybe when he joins The Valiants.)

PERSONALITY: Demetri likes coffee, and loves drinking it even more. He also enjoys practicing Judo, which has since become one of his favorite past-times. He dislikes wearing casual clothes, and absolutely loathes the thought of putting on a tuxedo.

Despite knowing what an important asset his eyes are, he often feels like he is little more than a tool, and fears that he will one day be forced to use his powers the dreaded seventh time, and he will be plunged back into blindness.

HISTORY: Demetri was born on April the second nineteen eighty five and was born in the capital of Central Greece, Lamina. When he was twelve his eye sight started to disappear and the doctors said he only had about three months before he would go completely blind.

Demetri didn't want to live without being able to see, but he knew he had no choice. After giving up all hope, three months passed quickly, and Demetri went blind. A year and a half passed, and on his thirteenth birthday, Demetri awoke to find his sight had returned. He rushed to the bathroom and looked in the mirror. True, his eyes were no longer how they once were, taking on a cat-like appearance, he was overjoyed, and immediately awoke his parents, who shared in his feelings.

Demetri's powers surfaced on Christmas Eve. Now at fourteen, he was about to bare witness to the most traumatic night of his young life.It had been a good day, but around eleven a clock at night a criminal who had broken out from jail had broken into his house and killed his parents. Demetri was afraid, but knew he had to at least try to stop him when he ran into his parents room he saw the criminal and his dead parents.

Villain: "Go back to sleep, kid, your parents are fine. They're just sleeping."
Demetri: "No they're not! I heard the gunshots!"
Villain: "Fine, be that way, I'll just shoot you too!"
He twirled the gun on Demetri, aiming right for the boy's forehead. Demetri met his cold gaze, and his powers sprang to life in horrific, Carrie-esque fury
An illusion drilled itself into the killer's cold mind, and within seconds, he lay on the floor in a gibbering, dribbling mess.

Demetri stared venomously at the pitiful man, and his attention was grabbed by the police battering their way through the door. A god sent neighbor had called them, seeing the criminal breaking in.' Demetri looked up to their leader and whispered, "He killed them, he killed my parents, and now he's gone mad."

The police officer, one Alec Chiron, had lost his son in the wake of the criminal's original rampage, and a spark of kinship formed between himself and Demetri, so he volunteered to adopt him. When Demetri turned fifteen, Alec believed he could be an asset to the police force and reported this to his superiors. The plan backfired in that Demetri became little more than their weapon.

 

[Scotty Rave]

I can see you tried your best with this, which is quite flattering, but proof-reading goes a long way. I'd suggest you proof-read it and edit it. There are spelling mistakes, and a few of the details are a little vague (like why the cop just decided out of the blue to adopt Demetri). Once you clear that up, try again.

 

[Demetrivamp]

Ok sorry I was a bit tired and edited it.

 

[Scotty Rave]

All right, you're accepted. Just make sure to check through your posts.

 

[Henshiner]

This sounds like fun, but I'm a little sketchy on the plot and who they're fighting. Could you help me out?