Forgotten Transformation
legend
so here I am.. sitting again, with nothing to do. I feel as though I am wasting away, like my mind is becoming slush... I don't like the thought of this. I think college would be a great way to get my mind back into good shape... But I have to wait till I am 24 for the FAFSA, seeing as how they don't see me as independent of my mother as of yet oye ei vey.
I sit here, watching anime, surfing through sites, wasting more and more time that I could be using to hang out... but I cant, cause "I don't have a car", "i got plans with my girlfriend, that she made a while ago", "sorry I gotta work"... gah I need a day job this working 2 day a week just fucking sucks bawls man, I have absolutely nothing to do anymore... I mean checking a site has it amusement but only for soo long, as i am sure others are well aware of. but no, all my friends think its fun to just sit in a basement once a week, sit and get lazier and slothful etc. etc. etc.
I WANT SOME KIND OF PHYSICAL EXERTION... this sitting around and becoming slush just doesn't do it for me.. kay.. I like getting so exhausted that I CAN'T stand.. not "I don't WANT to stand", the point of I CAN'T STAND... you know how hard it is for me to accomplish such a task cause of my endurance and stamina... It takes A LOT.. kay.. I miss having people I could play full contact football with in a yard somewhere, or playing basketball, or hell even tag... I miss those days of youth where nobody cared what you did so long as it wore you out... I miss being active.. I miss exorcising my mind in school.. I wan to do SOMETHING.. and no Im not complaining.. I am making an observation.. there IS a difference, believe it or not...
I apologize, I seem to be making "observations" about all the **** in my life right now... hmm well why not just go on down the list, shall we... eh?
lets see.. I have no car, I have two hospital bills to pay for, I have a ticket to pay for, I have back rent due to my room mate that I can NEVER hope to pay cause I will never get that kind of money (if I ever do get that kinda of money.... I WILL pay him back, regardless of how much time has passed), I can go to college till I am 24 cause I "wanted a break from school" when I got out of high school and then I get this kick in the pants to go but I still cant cause I cant ever possibly hope to get the info I need to go, I am annoying, I have a feeling that all my friends refuse to tell me what i did wrong to them and that they are secretly pissed at me.. but I unno could just be paranoia, I am 22 years of age and my memory is already shot to hell and back (although I am working on that), my room mate (and one of my better buddies) has, ever since he got a girlfriend (the very same that put him through a huge depression i might add), made no attempt whatsoever (cept for this Friday... I think, unless his girlfriends has other plans... which she prolly does.. knowing my luck) to hang out with anyone.. besides his girlfriend of course.. seriously he doesn't come home for days on end... he pay a LARGE sum of money for rent... and just basically uses the place for storage, it is starting to feel like he doesn't want to even be around me.. at all.. this sucks..., I have little to no money (but then again who doesn't), my family ties are screwed beyond all recognition on account of my mother being paranoid that they are all out to get her, I cant get in touch with my friend Brian no matter how hard i try cause i must have done something to piss him off but I dont know what and I cant get in contact with him to find out... this sucks..., I haven't seen my brother (who is 14 years older then me BTW) since I was like 2 or 3 (when I couldn't really remember anything anyway), I cant remember my past cause I repressed it all and practiced forgetting instead of remembering, I have worked for **** job after **** job after **** job cause of my decision to not go to college when I had the chance (on a scholarship no less) and am going to have to continue to do so until I turn 24, for some reason or another I attract all the fucking nutcase girls out there... cept for maybe a few.. but then again I prolly contributed to that by my way f treating them.. ugh, I have a drinking problem I have lost my memory 2 or 3 time due to it and lost the respect of some one that has the power to exclude me from get togethers cause FUCKING EVERYONE respects him... and yet even though I give the same amount of respect everyone (but girls) treats me like I am the bitch of the group, I can never get any kind of shred of confidence, they throw me back down (with authority) like a god damn rag doll when they see the slightest bit of confidence in me (friends shouldn't do that), I see my friends talk about each other behind each other's backs, which REALLY makes me wonder what the **** they say about me behind my back x_x, because of the way my friends enjoy them selves I have gotten into the habit of not dong anything.. being lazy and not thinking of any thing to do besides watching **** or playing video games... what... the... ****....
Yeah my problems arn't as bad as most people's, I can truly understand this... however all of this ****.. over the course of FOUR OR FIVE YEARS... kinda runs my patients thin a little, you know what I am saying? ugh pay no mind to this, I am just venting... cause I dont have the balls to say it to my friends cause they will make fun of me and when I dont laugh they will say "comon get a sense of humor... dick hahaha" yeah.. some friends... >_>
I am sick and tired of bullshit, I am sick and tired of being fucked with, I am sick and tired drama, I am sick and tired of friends that dont hang out anymore, I am sick and tired of my life constantly spiraling DOWN the drain, I am sick and tired of people not giving me a chance, I am sick and tired of my friends making me the butt of every joke, I am sick and tired of being paranoid, I am sick and tired of being with out money, I am sick and tired of talking to myself and having conversations that will never happen and getting my hopes up, I am seriously just sick and tired of all the bullshit.... I am sick and tired... of being... sick and tired....
.............I am sick and tired........of being the nice one all the time...................
I sit here, watching anime, surfing through sites, wasting more and more time that I could be using to hang out... but I cant, cause "I don't have a car", "i got plans with my girlfriend, that she made a while ago", "sorry I gotta work"... gah I need a day job this working 2 day a week just fucking sucks bawls man, I have absolutely nothing to do anymore... I mean checking a site has it amusement but only for soo long, as i am sure others are well aware of. but no, all my friends think its fun to just sit in a basement once a week, sit and get lazier and slothful etc. etc. etc.
I WANT SOME KIND OF PHYSICAL EXERTION... this sitting around and becoming slush just doesn't do it for me.. kay.. I like getting so exhausted that I CAN'T stand.. not "I don't WANT to stand", the point of I CAN'T STAND... you know how hard it is for me to accomplish such a task cause of my endurance and stamina... It takes A LOT.. kay.. I miss having people I could play full contact football with in a yard somewhere, or playing basketball, or hell even tag... I miss those days of youth where nobody cared what you did so long as it wore you out... I miss being active.. I miss exorcising my mind in school.. I wan to do SOMETHING.. and no Im not complaining.. I am making an observation.. there IS a difference, believe it or not...
I apologize, I seem to be making "observations" about all the **** in my life right now... hmm well why not just go on down the list, shall we... eh?
lets see.. I have no car, I have two hospital bills to pay for, I have a ticket to pay for, I have back rent due to my room mate that I can NEVER hope to pay cause I will never get that kind of money (if I ever do get that kinda of money.... I WILL pay him back, regardless of how much time has passed), I can go to college till I am 24 cause I "wanted a break from school" when I got out of high school and then I get this kick in the pants to go but I still cant cause I cant ever possibly hope to get the info I need to go, I am annoying, I have a feeling that all my friends refuse to tell me what i did wrong to them and that they are secretly pissed at me.. but I unno could just be paranoia, I am 22 years of age and my memory is already shot to hell and back (although I am working on that), my room mate (and one of my better buddies) has, ever since he got a girlfriend (the very same that put him through a huge depression i might add), made no attempt whatsoever (cept for this Friday... I think, unless his girlfriends has other plans... which she prolly does.. knowing my luck) to hang out with anyone.. besides his girlfriend of course.. seriously he doesn't come home for days on end... he pay a LARGE sum of money for rent... and just basically uses the place for storage, it is starting to feel like he doesn't want to even be around me.. at all.. this sucks..., I have little to no money (but then again who doesn't), my family ties are screwed beyond all recognition on account of my mother being paranoid that they are all out to get her, I cant get in touch with my friend Brian no matter how hard i try cause i must have done something to piss him off but I dont know what and I cant get in contact with him to find out... this sucks..., I haven't seen my brother (who is 14 years older then me BTW) since I was like 2 or 3 (when I couldn't really remember anything anyway), I cant remember my past cause I repressed it all and practiced forgetting instead of remembering, I have worked for **** job after **** job after **** job cause of my decision to not go to college when I had the chance (on a scholarship no less) and am going to have to continue to do so until I turn 24, for some reason or another I attract all the fucking nutcase girls out there... cept for maybe a few.. but then again I prolly contributed to that by my way f treating them.. ugh, I have a drinking problem I have lost my memory 2 or 3 time due to it and lost the respect of some one that has the power to exclude me from get togethers cause FUCKING EVERYONE respects him... and yet even though I give the same amount of respect everyone (but girls) treats me like I am the bitch of the group, I can never get any kind of shred of confidence, they throw me back down (with authority) like a god damn rag doll when they see the slightest bit of confidence in me (friends shouldn't do that), I see my friends talk about each other behind each other's backs, which REALLY makes me wonder what the **** they say about me behind my back x_x, because of the way my friends enjoy them selves I have gotten into the habit of not dong anything.. being lazy and not thinking of any thing to do besides watching **** or playing video games... what... the... ****....
Yeah my problems arn't as bad as most people's, I can truly understand this... however all of this ****.. over the course of FOUR OR FIVE YEARS... kinda runs my patients thin a little, you know what I am saying? ugh pay no mind to this, I am just venting... cause I dont have the balls to say it to my friends cause they will make fun of me and when I dont laugh they will say "comon get a sense of humor... dick hahaha" yeah.. some friends... >_>
I am sick and tired of bullshit, I am sick and tired of being fucked with, I am sick and tired drama, I am sick and tired of friends that dont hang out anymore, I am sick and tired of my life constantly spiraling DOWN the drain, I am sick and tired of people not giving me a chance, I am sick and tired of my friends making me the butt of every joke, I am sick and tired of being paranoid, I am sick and tired of being with out money, I am sick and tired of talking to myself and having conversations that will never happen and getting my hopes up, I am seriously just sick and tired of all the bullshit.... I am sick and tired... of being... sick and tired....
.............I am sick and tired........of being the nice one all the time...................
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