Ramses
Member
this was going to be posted on my cast tomorrow, but I figured i'd give you guys an advance look at the review. My mindset in this was of the Bad B Film critic Joe Bob Birggs with an angry mark-like aproach to it.
First shot we see Cena killing terrorist! No remorse what so ever from the man, the man is as stone cold as Stone Cold Steve Austin and this isn’t his fucking movie! And this is less then 5 minutes in. It seems he was out to save some POWs from Wahoo, Nebraska, since they are not so sure where he’s fighting. Line of the movie “We don’t go around them. We go threw themâ€. (Insert sound?) **** goes white and they are at a gym. A man in a nice suit calls for John Triton (witch sounds like a fake name) the talk about the mission and it seems that there was a FUBAR and was discharged for it. Cut to Kelly Clarlson, hot as ever, making out with Cena, then getting what seems to be naked and having a touchy feeling moment. Then ROBERT FUCKING PATRICK steals the show, he’s talking to a guy who cant take orders and steps out, all badass like, goes into a jewelry store and starts to rob the store, all badass like. He steals the Jeweler all badass like and kills a coniine of his all badass like. He announces that they are in Flair Country in Southern Carolina and wishes them a wonderful day. All badass-like. So we get ANOTHER random scene of violence, this on a police car, as Patrick destroys the most badass way possible. So the police there in the city are the most obvious private dicks around, running the entire jewelry subplot. Cut to Triton working security at some building, then a random act of violence on a weird yuppy who’s being a dick. The Yuppy has palls and thinks he’s all that, but next to that yuppy, Cena is better. He and his parter, who seems to know how to kick ass, take care of the yuppy and his palls for roughhousing them. He and his chubby buddy have yet another touchy feeling moment, stands the sex and Kelly Carlson. The badass Robert Patrick making out with his ultra sexy chick and begins to threaten some guy on the phone, saying he runs the show and ****. Cut to another lovey dubby moment, before she gets caught wind of what happened via the TV, witch came on at a random time. The lovey dubby stuff continues. A useless scene starts that just gives a lot of exposition. Yeah, the more the scene goes, the less this scene is useful. As soon as that gets over, it cuts to Kelly and “John†going up the country side, talking about their past, lot more exposition, just less stupid. They park their way into a gas station where they encounter Patrick’s character and he’s feeling mighty badass, mainly since he just saw the police and he wants to bust another Gunkata on them, him and his crew get trigger happy and begging to blow **** up all over. They soon take John’s car and Kelly Clarson, witch are 2 thing you don’t ever want to do to John Cena, that and blowing up the self-serve, witch goes up like the fourth of July. Now the true meat-and-potatoes of the movie starts and all the cheesy action starts. They finally give Kelly a name “Kate’, driving the police car to get his sweet ride back, he fights off a rain of bullets that cant seem to hit at him. And this chase is going 10 minutes too long for my taist at this point…so it gets to a point and they get the bright idea to keep shooting the fucking car, even though it’s going down a casam. More explosions with the police, John appears to be alive and is going to chase after them, and police give John ABSOLUTE authority to chase after these guys and kill them. Then the stereotypical Blackman starts to complain and starts going crazy and kills a dude and leave his knife, foreshadowing something. More shots of John chasing the bad guys and then cuts to Patrick being badass, even making a sales pitch to Sports Illustrated. More chasing eachother like crazy, witch is sort of setting the mood of the movie, where something explodes, explosion, explosion, explosion, Explosion, explosion, explosion, explosion. The Blackman starts to be more stereotypical and Robert Patrick gives his line of the movie by saying “why does everything have to be racial to you?â€. Then the movie becomes fucking Deliverence when some hicks begin to attack John for no god damn reason other then “you in my lawn! Idurr!! I durk I durr!!!†they cut to him been tired down and is roughed up by a burly black man. Random violence on the hicks, random destruction at a wall, and then they cut to a random helicopter scene as the cops keep looking for the god damn bad guys See Cena run! See bad guys hide in a shack, can I see it? It is! It’s the climax of the movie! The Black man starts to tell his story about how got violated by Rock Candy. I cant make this **** up people, this is the same people who bring us ECW on Scifi every Tuesday nights, so I’m not surprised, it did however, just made an otherwise horrible movie even worst. SURPRISE BUTT SEX! As John Triton gets himself some black ass and proceeds to violate the poor guy. I wish I can make that last one up also, but unfortunately, I cant. Then a RANDOM BOOBE Shot and they finaly give Robert Patrick a name ‘Romeâ€. The bad guy bitch and Kate begin to talk to each other and have a lovey dubby lesbo moment. The Bad guys are starting to get more dimensions before they get killed, witch is another running theme in the movie, whenever a bad guy starts to talk about their back story, they get killed. RANDOM BITCH FIGHT!!!!!!!! And the police guy is other badguy that Rome was talking to, MORE random violence, witch already has broken the random acts of violence meter since it died around the time the Casam scene. Random act of violence on a police offcer, random make-out session with the bad guy bitch and Rome, at this point, my BS Meter was off the charts and the movie issnt even done. Random Bitch kill when John throws her out of the car and into a bus, Random act of violence on a house and then from a house still in construction and then on a rack of barrels full of oil, finally ending with a random exploding building. The final dramatical battle between John and Rome, the end? An F’U, a 5-finger shuffle and Rome to be put in a STF’U. AND HE AINT DONE YET! Wearing what seams to be the worst make-up job ever, a Zombie Rome attacks John, but he chokes him out again. Last line “we should of gone to the beachâ€.
So if it wasn’t so fucking obvious by now, the movie is a crapper and a ½. It has Gun-fu, Bitch-slap-fu, more gun-fu, crazy black guy-fu, chainsaw-fu, knife-fu, terrorist and a random bitch fight and zombie attack. Lame attempts for what seemed to be comedy and before the Candy rock deal, it was easily –4 out of 5, but after that, it was a contender for worst movie ever and “definitely not a Jewâ€. It was also further proof this was a WWE product when it’s a train wreak and all you want to do is change the channel or watch something else (cough cough ECW cough). So Vincent Kennedy McMahon Junior, I demand you to give me more stars, cause you owe me some for all this. –5 out of 5.
First shot we see Cena killing terrorist! No remorse what so ever from the man, the man is as stone cold as Stone Cold Steve Austin and this isn’t his fucking movie! And this is less then 5 minutes in. It seems he was out to save some POWs from Wahoo, Nebraska, since they are not so sure where he’s fighting. Line of the movie “We don’t go around them. We go threw themâ€. (Insert sound?) **** goes white and they are at a gym. A man in a nice suit calls for John Triton (witch sounds like a fake name) the talk about the mission and it seems that there was a FUBAR and was discharged for it. Cut to Kelly Clarlson, hot as ever, making out with Cena, then getting what seems to be naked and having a touchy feeling moment. Then ROBERT FUCKING PATRICK steals the show, he’s talking to a guy who cant take orders and steps out, all badass like, goes into a jewelry store and starts to rob the store, all badass like. He steals the Jeweler all badass like and kills a coniine of his all badass like. He announces that they are in Flair Country in Southern Carolina and wishes them a wonderful day. All badass-like. So we get ANOTHER random scene of violence, this on a police car, as Patrick destroys the most badass way possible. So the police there in the city are the most obvious private dicks around, running the entire jewelry subplot. Cut to Triton working security at some building, then a random act of violence on a weird yuppy who’s being a dick. The Yuppy has palls and thinks he’s all that, but next to that yuppy, Cena is better. He and his parter, who seems to know how to kick ass, take care of the yuppy and his palls for roughhousing them. He and his chubby buddy have yet another touchy feeling moment, stands the sex and Kelly Carlson. The badass Robert Patrick making out with his ultra sexy chick and begins to threaten some guy on the phone, saying he runs the show and ****. Cut to another lovey dubby moment, before she gets caught wind of what happened via the TV, witch came on at a random time. The lovey dubby stuff continues. A useless scene starts that just gives a lot of exposition. Yeah, the more the scene goes, the less this scene is useful. As soon as that gets over, it cuts to Kelly and “John†going up the country side, talking about their past, lot more exposition, just less stupid. They park their way into a gas station where they encounter Patrick’s character and he’s feeling mighty badass, mainly since he just saw the police and he wants to bust another Gunkata on them, him and his crew get trigger happy and begging to blow **** up all over. They soon take John’s car and Kelly Clarson, witch are 2 thing you don’t ever want to do to John Cena, that and blowing up the self-serve, witch goes up like the fourth of July. Now the true meat-and-potatoes of the movie starts and all the cheesy action starts. They finally give Kelly a name “Kate’, driving the police car to get his sweet ride back, he fights off a rain of bullets that cant seem to hit at him. And this chase is going 10 minutes too long for my taist at this point…so it gets to a point and they get the bright idea to keep shooting the fucking car, even though it’s going down a casam. More explosions with the police, John appears to be alive and is going to chase after them, and police give John ABSOLUTE authority to chase after these guys and kill them. Then the stereotypical Blackman starts to complain and starts going crazy and kills a dude and leave his knife, foreshadowing something. More shots of John chasing the bad guys and then cuts to Patrick being badass, even making a sales pitch to Sports Illustrated. More chasing eachother like crazy, witch is sort of setting the mood of the movie, where something explodes, explosion, explosion, explosion, Explosion, explosion, explosion, explosion. The Blackman starts to be more stereotypical and Robert Patrick gives his line of the movie by saying “why does everything have to be racial to you?â€. Then the movie becomes fucking Deliverence when some hicks begin to attack John for no god damn reason other then “you in my lawn! Idurr!! I durk I durr!!!†they cut to him been tired down and is roughed up by a burly black man. Random violence on the hicks, random destruction at a wall, and then they cut to a random helicopter scene as the cops keep looking for the god damn bad guys See Cena run! See bad guys hide in a shack, can I see it? It is! It’s the climax of the movie! The Black man starts to tell his story about how got violated by Rock Candy. I cant make this **** up people, this is the same people who bring us ECW on Scifi every Tuesday nights, so I’m not surprised, it did however, just made an otherwise horrible movie even worst. SURPRISE BUTT SEX! As John Triton gets himself some black ass and proceeds to violate the poor guy. I wish I can make that last one up also, but unfortunately, I cant. Then a RANDOM BOOBE Shot and they finaly give Robert Patrick a name ‘Romeâ€. The bad guy bitch and Kate begin to talk to each other and have a lovey dubby lesbo moment. The Bad guys are starting to get more dimensions before they get killed, witch is another running theme in the movie, whenever a bad guy starts to talk about their back story, they get killed. RANDOM BITCH FIGHT!!!!!!!! And the police guy is other badguy that Rome was talking to, MORE random violence, witch already has broken the random acts of violence meter since it died around the time the Casam scene. Random act of violence on a police offcer, random make-out session with the bad guy bitch and Rome, at this point, my BS Meter was off the charts and the movie issnt even done. Random Bitch kill when John throws her out of the car and into a bus, Random act of violence on a house and then from a house still in construction and then on a rack of barrels full of oil, finally ending with a random exploding building. The final dramatical battle between John and Rome, the end? An F’U, a 5-finger shuffle and Rome to be put in a STF’U. AND HE AINT DONE YET! Wearing what seams to be the worst make-up job ever, a Zombie Rome attacks John, but he chokes him out again. Last line “we should of gone to the beachâ€.
So if it wasn’t so fucking obvious by now, the movie is a crapper and a ½. It has Gun-fu, Bitch-slap-fu, more gun-fu, crazy black guy-fu, chainsaw-fu, knife-fu, terrorist and a random bitch fight and zombie attack. Lame attempts for what seemed to be comedy and before the Candy rock deal, it was easily –4 out of 5, but after that, it was a contender for worst movie ever and “definitely not a Jewâ€. It was also further proof this was a WWE product when it’s a train wreak and all you want to do is change the channel or watch something else (cough cough ECW cough). So Vincent Kennedy McMahon Junior, I demand you to give me more stars, cause you owe me some for all this. –5 out of 5.
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