Speaking as both a writer and a consumer of web articles, I hate the kind of piece that’s arrogant enough to headline itself with a command: who do you think you are, Mr. Internet, my mom? Understand that I would never use the device myself unless I absolutely had to. And in this case, there’s really no getting around it: the information is too urgent not to warrant anything less than a direct statement. You don’t want to watch this new season of Veronica Mars, even if you think you do.

You can ignore me, and do it anyway, but as that warbling voice said off-camera during the classic Looney Tunes short The Ducksters, “You’ll be sooooooo-reeeeeeeeeeee.” Any hype or enthusiasm you have for seeing Veronica again will be smashed into the ground by the finale episode. After you see how this season ends, you will feel like absolute garbage, and you will wish you’d heeded my warning. You’ll be a much happier person without it.

I debated whether or not to mention what this is all about. It would be a big spoiler, but it’s the kind of spoiler that will keep you out of trouble, like the spoiler that if you play with fire you’ll probably die. Plus, this spoiler is already taking over social media and if you don’t know it now, odds are you will in mere hours. I will say this: if you know anything about Veronica Mars fans, then you know there is only ONE THING that could get them this upset, so….it’s not hard to guess.

To quote Bananarama, it’s been a cruel, cruel summer for streaming content. We had to watch the pain in Jessica Jones’ eyes as her sister and ONLY FRIEND descended into homicidal madness. We had to watch Joyce Byers look at Hopper and realize saving the city would require potentially killing him, and then watch her load her stuff into a U-Haul and drive away, breaking up the ENTIRE GANG and they’ll NEVER ADVENTURE TOGETHER AGAIN AND NOW THEY’LL PROBABLY DATE OTHER PEOPLE AND I CAN’T STAND TO THINK ABOUT IT BLEAUGHRRAGHRGARGH. And now this, the moment that somehow TOPS IT ALL, the CHERRY on the CRAP SUNDAE that is watching television in 2019.

Imagine a plot twist so infuriating that it it sours every single episode that came before it. A twist that makes all the time you invested in the series and its characters worth nothing. Looking up creator Rob Thomas’ official, tone-deaf response to the backlash will not quell your rage. He does admit that he considered taking a vacation to Europe the week of this season’s release, so….the man knows he’s guilty.

If you want to spend the rest of your summer feeling somewhat pleasant, enjoying the weather, and NOT stabbing a photo of Kristen Bell repeatedly with an ice pick, do yourself a favor and skip this season. You’ll be grateful you did. Remember, you were warned.

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