A Real-World Freddy Fazbear’s Pizza Will Open In New Jersey To Doom Humanity

You’re familiar with the meme where a tech bro announces with enthusiasm that he’s successfully created the Torment Nexus from the famous book “Don’t Create The Torment Nexus.” Possibly the best (worst) example of such a thing is now under construction in New Jersey for a 2027 opening. Some fool is actually making a Freddy Fazbear’s Pizza.

The formerly fictional restaurant franchise is the setting of the famous horror game Five Nights At Freddy’s, in which you, an overnight security guard, must find ways to stay alive each night when the parlor’s animatronic animals come to life and try to kill you. I’d go into why this is happening but by this point the series has buried itself in its own lore. The movies cannot help you; they assume prior knowledge of the games and the wikis and the fan theories, and will only cause confusion to an outsider.

Five Nights At Freddy’s benefited more than any other game from the rise of Twitch streaming. It was released around the same time as when guys like PewDiePie took off and many of those early influencers made screaming at FNAF jumpscares part of their schtick. Twitch streamers have come and gone, but Fazbear and his posse remain, with creator Scott Cawthon producing sequel after sequel.

The real Freddy Fazbear’s Pizza will be a real functioning pizza parlor with an arcade and the Fazbear Band, based on the Chuck E Cheese and Showbiz Pizza locations of yore. But it’ll also be a theme park attraction with a survival horror experience elsewhere in the parlor, should you dare.

Freddy Fazbear’s Pizza will open in American Dream, a half-mall, half-amusement park that could be an article of its own. The TLDR is that New Jersey spent decades and billions building what was envisioned to be the most amazing mall in the world, and it ended up opening right as COVID struck. I guess this means the mall is still around.

However, that’ll probably change once Freddy starts lumbering around the place at night. But the point is that if we DON’T build this place, China will beat us to it.