Kamen Rider Tome

gokol

Kitsune Phantom
Coming Soon. Do you believe in the Tales? The Greatest epic of all time is about to Begin. If this were a Wizard Rip off I would say it's story time, but it's not one for Tome isn't a Wizard.
 

gokol

Kitsune Phantom
Chapter 1 Progress

The ideas are really coming along but for the life of me I can't get a clear idea of what Tome Base form looks like only a general idea of what it looks like an color scheme is beginning to form. On the bright side I have extra riders, evil commanders, etc... Oh, wait and the most awesome Rider Cycle ever! If I do say so..Machine Steam Writer.
 

gokol

Kitsune Phantom
Um, this is Just a Place Holder for Chapter 1. Which is kind of a pun since Chapter is the Episode Gimmick of this Rider. All Episodes are called Chapters.
Anyway, the point of this post is to telling you that the next post after this one will be a signal to mark the Beginning of a new story in other ones it will say when Chapter 1 is done. At least the first version. I am free to remake for any reasons I wish. I will try to effectively treat comments of all natures.
Chapter 1: Another World

A young japanese man named Akira Nougami, walked down the street heading for his high school. The man was rather normal looking as he had no striking features. As he walked he was in heavy conversation with himself and often barely avoiding walking into things like People, Animals, and Cars.

This city is boring he thought to himself nothing interesting ever happens here. I wish I wasn't born here in Uramon. he thought to himself. He arrived at his school soon which was the only local high school and called plainly enough Uramon High. He had no friends to call his own, so that's why he walked alone and no one greeted him and any step of his journey including the end. His school day was rather uneventful and like usual he eager to get home and enjoy his favorite hobby reading. Reading being his favorite hobby came natural to him as his parent's ran the the local library which wasn't an official library and was sort of there home. It was officially labeled the weirdest thing in town.

Akira Thought for most of his life that, you knew his home city was boring if a Library was the most unusual part of it and as far as he knew the fact that is was personally owned by his family, was the only thing weird about it and it didn't take genius to find out that meant it was hardly weird at all or at least that was his opinion about the matter.

When Akira finally reached his home, he was in shock because it looked like some had trashed the place. He went inside to discover his parents dead bodies. Obviously they had been murdered to Akira's horror, but by who and why, Akira did not know. At least not yet.

Suddenly he saw something strange or rather somethings, many small black Creatures that looked kind of like Oily Goblins and wore no clothing. There were at least 10 of them and one of them was carrying weird looking White Book. This book Akira wondered about, because Akira had sworn he had memorized all books in the library and he had never seen much then read this one before.

Curious, he in combination of Fury and Curiosity leaped at the Creatures who he knew must of been responsible for his Parent's death and quickly snatched away the white book from the Creature who was holding it. The Book seemingly had a pulse as he could feel something coming from it. Suddenly glowing runes appeared around and inside the book. They were colored Royal Blue.

Akira slowly heard a voice from inside his head that didn't sound like him at all. It was telling to "Open a gate!" what ever that meant, but then suddenly the book did it for him! The voice then said "Initiating Gate Arc inputting preset coordinates to destination."

Then out know where appeared to be Royal Blue Portal that somehow Akira knew didn't lead to anywhere on Earth. Though he wasn't sure how he knew this or where exactly it did lead. Before he could had time to properly think about though he was sucked through the portal into where it lead.

He was unconscious for a while and when he woke up, he found that there was this young woman with Short Red hair and even Redder Eyes around. She was wearing some strange robes that strangely managed to even brighter then seemed possible. Everything about her seemed ordinary except for her Hair, Eyes, and Clothes.

"So your finally up, what are doing passing out here of all places" and wearing those weird clothes too" the mysterious young woman said.

"Who are you? What is this place?"He said.

"This is the Arctopia City Library. I don't know how you not know that and not get here, unless..." and then saw the book by his side.
Could this be what I think it is?" She exclaimed.
"What do you think is?" Akira asked.

"The Akashic Tome, powerful artifact that contains among other things the power to use a legendary arcs." Then looked further at the book then continued talking.
"Oh, I guess it's true it looks like the legends coming are coming true just by looking at it which means you are Tome, the Legendary Warrior from another world who save this one. Let me explain Arc is a Power unique to this world and there are all sorts of arcs. I don't have time to explain further it seems the enemies of this city have been started attacking earlier they sent in a few of their minions to destroy this city, but they are too weak to do so, so I don't think that will probably be their real goal. I think they are after the Akashic Tome which I assume they failed to get in your world where it would of most likely been hidden." Before she could say anything 20 of those things from before appeared from the end of the library which was vast, but only in vertical terms and wasn't that far from them in terms feet and inches. Instinctively Akira said "Tome Arc Activate" while holding the Akashic Tome in his hands which then shrunk and fell down right and a 90 degree angle. He surprised himself when he wasn't surprised that the Tome was moving by it's self. Next a RIng of a mysterious white energy appeared around him that soon solidified into a Belt of sorts that was covered in the same glowing Royal Blue Runes as the Tome which had turned into a Buckle of sorts. Finally, he instinctively shouted "Henshin!" and was engulfed in the previously mentioned mysterious white energy.

It soon vanished and when it did Akira's body was covered from head to toe in a white suit that looked like a Bunch of Akashic Tomes had formed an Armor of sorts and was covered glowing Royal Blue Runes. Even the eyes in this form seemed to be Glowing Royal Blue ones.

"You are Tome, I was right!" Which means you must fight!" The red headed woman said to which Akira silently replied and pushed her out of the way to protect her from the monsters who were attacking her first. Then he slowly fought them and because of their small size it didn't take him that long to it, despite their numbers.

"You did it!" Exclaimed woman, but quickly realized she had spoken to soon, because a vast muscular oily figure had broken through the door and started to talk. "You, must the guy who defeated my all the D'arc Goblins under my command, and I must punish you for it! I am a D'arc Ogre and my strength is more then my minions combined. He said then knocked Tome the Book Case on the Northern Wall with brute strength, but then Tome found the the inner will power to stand up despite the great pain it was causing his body and then instinctively jumped up in the air and his Right leg started Glowing Royal Blue and he prepared his Finishing move. "Climax, Akashic Rune Kick!" that made the D'arc Ogre body combust in a explosion of mysterious dark energy and for now Tome brought peace to the city.
 
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gokol

Kitsune Phantom
Ok, chapter 1 is up people. Please, be honest but not too mean when it comes time to judge this humble work of mine.
 

Kamen Rider Oni

Professionally Insane
Well making more then half a page worth of story might be in order, before posting it up as an episode/ chapter. It doesn't really show that you have put a lot of thought into making this, more or less it looks as if it's rushed. Before I read it I'd like to actually see more of a full length episode, even ten-twelve pages is all you need in that regard. Best of luck. :3
 

gokol

Kitsune Phantom
Some guy told me it didn't seem complete. That's ridiculous people. I am writing like a real episode not a real book. The enemy was defeated the show so the show is over. For me I don't see how your right at all. This looks plenty like an Episode and thus like chapter. Sure I killed the monster on the first instead of the second which rarely happens. For the Record I know a friend who likes it. One more point, episodes of shows skip over the boring stuff. You really want to read his school day or something like this? I put plenty of thought in this and length is not a measure quality and that's why I say 10-12 pages for just one episode is ridiculous especially when I can't judge what you mean by pages. Even if it's not literally one page of the forum that's ridiculous do you see any fanfic here that is that many pages long? i might have seen one that was 6 including comments and stuff. No, way I am I listening to the self admitted maniac's opinion. That's would be sever episodes worth of text not one. You fail to realize each episode is less then 30 minutes long. I don't want to Over kill things. I am trying to do how it makes sense to me. It's an insult to me to say I didn't think it enough and it wasn't rushed at all! :bawling:
Edit: This going to be a place holder for Chapter 2.
Chapter 2: Troll Troubles

(Well honestly I got writer's block about about to do next, so bring on the other opinions please).
 
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Kamen Rider Oni

Professionally Insane
Twelve pages on Open Office, Microsoft word or any other writing program can be put on "ONE" whole post is what I meant. Not ten-to-twelve Forum pages. And honestly it does look rushed, something that short isn't going to be a complete 3 Act story structure. Sure you may have rushed to key points, but at the expense of character and world building the way to go. There's nothing to invest it other then Here's the hero, here's the villain, some rushed plot and fight, bam enemy's dead, the end. No that's how one writes a good episode/ chapter of the story. Also I'd have to say at first I wasn't going to bother to reply to this due to your response... it is rude, whiny and childish to say the least. Everyone starts out bad but you get better through critiquing and trying over and over again, but if you are going to act like that every time someone isn't going to tell you what you want to hear, you're not going to advance that much in writing. Though I can see English isn't your first language, but that doesn't give you a fool proof excuse to tell a underdeveloped story.

Heck even the best of writers aren't experts at English, they make mistakes and typos too, it happens, cause no one is perfect. They still make a fuller story then this, and continue to improve and fix their work, taking the criticism and learning from it. You need to develop a thicker skin then this though, instead of getting all defensive over a critique and a reader's opinion.
 

gokol

Kitsune Phantom
You critique but I don't have to agree your opinions. I don't even have access to such things. He Transports to the Library meaning he can't see much of the world on part 1. Especially considering the library isn't a personal book collection unlike it's counterpart it's rather small and tall, but there really shouldn't be windows how I described it. I mean sure people usually like having such things but it's a world different from our things work differently, so unless he got to the door some how there was no making it out. English is my primary language! You hypocrite calling me rude. I am American with plenty of roleplaying experience so I don't need you to insult my writing skills nor do I frankly care what you think. I just wanted reply that's all! I know I am literate, so I don't need you telling me I am not. Of course there was no character development. There not going to change their personality with in just one episode. Also for the record I wasn't being rude you say I can't handle criticism, but I was just criticizing you and look how you take it that's more signs of hypocrisy from you.
 
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S

scikaiju

Guest
He gave you a honest opinion. And I feel some very valid opinions at that and in no way insulting, and some good advice to boot. Your friend like it and that's fine, not every one is going to have the same opinion as your friend. In fact when you ask for people to review you story you should be prepared for some negative responses, especially when you go out of your way to ask people you don't even know to review you story. In fact your response to that honest opinions may cause other people to not review your story in the future. So it's alright to not necessarily like everything anybody says about your story but if it's honest you have to respect it.
 

gokol

Kitsune Phantom
I am just defending my view that's all.
I don't see what's wrong with being Defensive since it's standing up for what you believe in. I wasn't ignoring his opinion. I was just saying why it made no sense to me. I know people can hate on it all they want, but too be honest my friend isn't on this site and not very active on the places we can talk. I am trying to find someone who likes it here because as writer it's nice when you have fans. :)
 
Here are my thoughts, questions. etc.

First is it a library or bookstore, I'm confused since its not official a library then what is it exactly. The main character doesn't understand why its the weirdest thing in town, but that piques my interest. Why is it the weirdest thing in town. Especially if its a small town that he has been living in, why is it weird.

It sounds like he is living in a small town in the middle of nowhere, where nothing happens and everyone prolly knows everything. I get that, but you might want to expand on that a little. This way we get to know his personality and why he hates living in such a boring small town. I suggest reading or seeing the play Suberbia just for some ideas for the small town and how the characters have developed while living there.

Is the main character anti-social? Why doesn't he have any friends?

First he is walking to his school. Now suddenly he is one his way home?
Why? Is school finished for the day? The other thing that really bothers me is how it just goes from his parents are dead to oh a book. If my parents were dead I would be freaking out, I have such a great relationship with my dad I would be in such a terrible state of mind. Does he not have a ok relationship with his parents? The flow of reaction needs some work.

It needs to flow better in general. There are spelling errors, and other sentences errors that don't make sense and mess with the flow, making it confusing at times to read. There are some sentences that need more details. I get that his is more of a writing for an episode, but it still needs to make sense to the readers. I feel like I'm reading a rough draft that should be fixed up more before sharing with lots of people. I'm not talking about that this is a bad idea, I'm just talking about all the errors. They should be fixed before major sharing so it makes sense to read. I get that sometimes you can't catch your own errors. Writing is my worst subject, I need someone to find the errors for me other wise I can't catch them.

Even though this is an episode, there should be some more structure, and I think more details would make it better.

Here is just an example I was thinking of structure wise, or maybe just write lots in the one episode. Like a book chapter, just says its the first episode. But everything can still flow together from the last episode like a book. If you haven't seen Kamen Rider Agito or Kuuga I'm thinking of their episode/story format.

Example
Like first scene takes place in the small town of Bucky. 9 hour drive from any real civilization. Only one elementary, middle, and high school. Population 500 hundred. Kind of town where everybody knows everyone and the latest gossip. Etc.

Callen is walking home from school. Hefting his backpack from slipping down his shoulder he glanced at the houses. Heading to center to town where his parents owned and lived in their bookstore. The place was so far from real civilization. At soon as he graduated he was getting out of this small town where the most interesting things to do was smoke under the unused highway bridge or spray paint the old part of town. Even the movie theater only had three movies at a time, and it took forever for anything decent to be airing. There wasn't even a movie store. Heck cds were just the newest thing, buying records was still the big thing here.
 

Matrix

Matrix of Leadership
He gave you a honest opinion. And I feel some very valid opinions at that and in no way insulting, and some good advice to boot. Your friend like it and that's fine, not every one is going to have the same opinion as your friend. In fact when you ask for people to review you story you should be prepared for some negative responses, especially when you go out of your way to ask people you don't even know to review you story. In fact your response to that honest opinions may cause other people to not review your story in the future. So it's alright to not necessarily like everything anybody says about your story but if it's honest you have to respect it.

I know I am a little late to the party here, but you asked people to be honest, and I felt the critique was not rude at all. I'll give you an example of a situation familiar to this:

I personally wrote a Kamen Rider FanFic oh ages ago, called Kamen Rider Navy, the story was as long as yours and I had the exact same attitude as you. Sci, speak of the devil, came and gave me constructive criticism, was not too harsh but honest. I feel like this is what you received here.

I too write it as an Episode in my recent work and as Kamen Rider Oni says, it is a solid 10-12 pages for a real episode, preferably 12+. Even in episodes when there is a cliff hanger, the story itself needs to be a little bit longer.

What I think you have here is a great unique idea, but I feel you can build off of this. When I wrote Navy a long time ago, I realized that 5 "episodes" actually could have been just 1. You have good writing skills, but I think you have some ideas that you are waiting to put into different episodes, but I feel like you can put them together and still have a piece you are proud of.

Again, you asked for honesty and this is what I am giving you. Not criticizing it for being poor or anything, it's not, but I think it's a good start to an episode not a full one, not yet. I think if you take bits and pieces from everyone trying to help you, you will gain some fans. And hey, I wouldn't be here if I wasn't a fan of your fic:buttrock:.

I believe in you
 

gokol

Kitsune Phantom
I can't really answer replies honestly anymore since I need to get back to this project eventually. As with my other projects but I am currently busy with a site called Gaia and my projects there, but it's not one library it's two. The one on Earth in his City can transport to the other one because they are linked if you know how you can use it to go between the the two worlds. That's the only portal I ever thought of because I never thought him going back in the plot. I do remember some power ups and a secondary rider Guren. No relation to Garren. There is one thing that makes them unique among secondary riders.
 

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