Creative writing critique

[kikaider287]

Ok, so my Gf is currently writing a story for her creative writing class and she requested some well needed critique. So could you guys please give your honest opinion! Thanks guys:thumbs:
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As I step off the boat, water glistening like cerulean diamonds. Through my lens I see I see the most magnificent sight I have ever had the privilege to capture. An older woman, 80’s possibly older, sitting on what seems to be a royal pillow draped in gold leaf and dressed in decadent and opulent garb of all colors. A scarlet turban draped in golden beads and freshwater pearls shrouded her still beautiful silver locks. Surrounding her is a group of tribal spirits, war painted from head to foot and wearing minimal clothing. It seems as though the words she speaks compels their precise movements. As they gather, they sway back and forth and hoot and howl at her magical story telling. Who is this woman?

I wonder as I absorb the entrancing experience. I dig my toes into the grainy sand and begin to approach. Bad idea. Before I can retract my mistake, I am face down in the sand, $6,000 camera equipment sprawled across the taupe sand, with a knee at my back and a spear at my neck.

At this point in my life, I was content. I was 35 with two baby girls and a loving wife. Known as one of the best photogs of my generation, this was no way to die. Then as I gave my final prayers and goodbyes, amongst all the leathery hands on me, came a touch to my face as light and soft as silk. “Hello my boy. So you have finally found me, I see.” Then she smiles a smile that could light up Times Square. She signals for her followers to unhand me and help me to my feet. In a language I couldn’t even begin to comprehend, she says something to the group. Out of nowhere, the crowd of people roars in what seems to be in my honor.

When I ask what’s going on, the woman’s face gleams and she says, “You’ve come home.” “I’ve come home? What?” I ask as she continues to graze my cheek. “You see my boy, I am you mother.” In my mind, I was shouting, “You crazy old bat! What the hell are you talking about?!” But my respectful demeanor and fear of the natives stopped me from uttering these words. “You see ma’am, there must be some sort of grave misunderstanding. My mother is 70 and happily living in Hoboken, New Jersey with my dad.”

 

[KingRanger]

I'm not sure if it's the forums, but that is one giant paragraph. Makes it hard to read.

 

[kikaider287]

Whoops! sorry about that, I spaced it out a little more. Should be easier to read now.

 

[Bolt]

It's certainly got an interesting enough premise, the only real technical problems I see are purely grammatical; the rest are up to personal interpretation.

There are a couple instances where a comma is used where it shouldn't be (comma splice) and others where one is needed but not present. For example: "At this point in my life, I was content." There's no need to separate the first portion of the sentence from the predicate because it's one complete thought. There are also a few instances of tense inconsistency, one being in the sentence I've quoted already. It's not strictly wrong, just confusing and clumsy to work with. For future reference, with very few exceptions, it's generally a good idea to select the tense you prefer to use and stick to only that tense for the rest of the story. The only time this rule can be broken is with certain types of sentence structure typically involving first-person narrative. For instance:

My pupils shrink as the same fatass cop from earlier in the evening busts in and slams the door behind him. The fleeting light pouring in from the bright hallway forces me to squint and tears start to fill my sensitive eyes.
"You're going down this time, punk," he says. His jaw works angrily over a gnarled toothpick in an effort to grind his tobacco-stained teeth. He drops a heavy manila folder down on the iron table in front of me. It makes a loud thud as it lands and scatters papers all over the floor. I keep my eyes fixed on the ground.
He was right. There was no way out of this one. I'd fucked up too many times in the past and now they had me dead to rights.

As you can see, the excerpt here is written in first-person present tense, but the highlighted section uses past-tense verbs because the idea is being related by the narrator himself to the "audience." This is really the only time tenses will ever be mixed, so I wouldn't worry about it too much. In general, adhering to the same tense throughout is your best and safest bet.

Not a big nitpick, but dialogue should always begin indented in it's own paragraph.

The only other things I would point out is that some of the words are a bit flowery when there's really no need for them to be. A lot of budding writers (and even some established ones) tend to try to spice up their works with fancy-sounding compound words in an effort to make themselves sound more distinguished, but this really isn't necessary. It's a much better idea to use simple language and express yourself in clear, coherent ideas than it is to use big words when there's not a need to do so. It stands out in this case especially because of the first-person narrator: it would be unusual for a thirty-something renowned photographer to describe someone's clothing as "opulent." Know what I mean? Spend less time digging through the thesaurus and more time distilling your individual ideas into tangible concepts that can be conveyed eloquently without resorting to lush verbiage (sort of like what I just did); unless it's a 19th century-style folkloric narrative, keep your dialogue and descriptions true to the nature and behavior of your narrator.

The other thing I was going to mention is the pacing. It seems a bit rushed to have this grand arrival, imminent threat of physical harm, and revelation that this crazy storyteller woman is the narrator's mother all in what is basically the introduction. Slow down your thoughts, bring the narrative to a slow boil and let it work itself out patiently, naturally. Of course, this may simply be due to the nature of the assignment, in which case you can disregard anything I've just said.

Overall, though, you've definitely found an interesting setup and entered into the story at exactly the most intriguing time. Keep it up!

 

[Impulse87]

I'd like for there to be more sensationalism in the story, the protagonist is clearly in an unfamiliar situation in a very unfamiliar place. I want to feel the sweat roll down her skin and the warmth build up. If she sticks to the narrator's point of view very closely, the reader should feel like they are actually in the situation, and put off revealing background information about the protagonists for now

 

[Kenori]

Just to jump on the bandwagon of **** that needs critiquing.

[HIDE]The Wicked

**PAGE 1

Panel 1
Establishing shot of a window on the second story of a 2-story old building. It is night time, and there is a light snowfall. The cityscape behind it is brightly lit, just like New York around Christmas-time. The main focus should be on the window.
[CAP.]: Have you ever had one of those days that you get out of bed, look in the mirror, and know that everything is going to go wrong?

Panel 2
Angle on the window as it is shattered by a man being tossed out of it. This is Langley, wearing his customary clothing (white t-shirt, blue jeans, leather jacket), but his face cannot be seen yet. He is also not wearing his New York Yankees ball cap.
[CAP.]: Well, that’s how most of my days go.
[SFX.]: CRASH!


**PAGE 2

Panel 1
Langley slams into the ground painfully, spitting up a little blood in the process.
[SFX.]: WHAM!

Panel 2
A shot of Langley a few feet away, the panel is angled between two legs of a massive beast who has just jumped out of the window after the man. The legs are large and strong, and sickly green color, ending in huge curved claws. He also has one large heel claw on each foot.
[CAP.]: After the second decade, you just stop looking in the mirror.
[LANGLEY]: Ow...

Panel 3
Close-up of the creature's face, it has a pig-like snout and massive tusks, its flesh is a sickly grey-green and appears to be quite slimy. Its tusks are trickling with dark blood. Its beady eyes hold a fire of malice and hate.
[BEAST]: Come on you pathetic little mortal! I'm starving!

Panel 4
A shot of Langley as he slowly rises, he appears to be in extreme pain. Again, you can't see his face.
[LANGLEY]: I wouldn't underestimate the mortals.


Panel 5
A close-up of Langley's right side as he pulls a Smith and Wesson 709 revolver from the
holster there.

**PAGE 3

Splash page. It is the first good look we get of Langley, He is holding the gun, pointing it up at the beast, he has a bruise on his cheek, and his hand is clutching his side. Despite the pain, he is smiling.
[LANGLEY]: You know, survival reflex and all that.

**PAGE 4

Panel 1
A picture of the beast, he has his head thrown back in a wicked laugh, spittle flying from his mouth.
[BEAST]: GRAHAHAHA! Do you think a mortal weapon can harm a demon! Maybe you fractured your puny human skull when you fell!

Panel 2
Similar to the picture above, except instead of laughing, the beasts eyes are wide with shock, three bullet holes have appeared in his hide, all three of which crackle with an unearthly blue glow.
[SFX.]: BLAM! BLAM! BLAM!
[BEAST]: Grough…

Panel 3
This panel is set behind and to the side of the beast, he is bent over, a viscous black ichor is gushing from his mouth. You can clearly see the exit wounds from the bullets that just went through him, still glowing blue and smoking. The beast is trying to cough up the blood in his lungs (or the equivalent that he has). We can also see Langley holding the gun down in the ready position. (NOTE: Langley always holds his gun in his right hand with the butt resting on his left wrist).
[BEAST]: HRACK! HACK! HROCK!
[LANGLEY]: Ouch. Bet that hurts like hell.

**PAGE 5

Panel 1
A close-up of the beast's face, black ichor gushing through its tusks, it looks up at Langley with pure hate.
[BEAST]: How dare you!




Panel 2
A close-up of Langley, as he smirks down at the beast.
[BEAST (off panel)]: You dare try to send a Belphegor back to Hell! I am protected by Hell itself!
[LANGLEY]: Please. You attacked an orphanage. You upset the balance. You have no protection.

Panel 3
A side-shot of the beast and Langley. The beast slashes at Langley across the chest and arm, causing the gun to go flying from his hand.
[BEAST]: If I'm going to Hell, you are coming with me mortal!
[LANGLEY (Burst Balloon)]: ARRGH!

**PAGE 6

Panel 1
A close-up of the beasts face as it licks Langley's blood off of its claws, grinning evilly.
[BEAST]: What’s the matter little boy, did you lose your gun?

Panel 2
A close-up side-shot of Langley, he is in obvious pain, but he is smiling as well.
[LANGLEY]: You didn't think that was my only trick didjya?

Panel 3
Close-up of Langley's left side, as he unclasps and draws a dagger from his belt.

Panel 4
A side-shot of the beast and Langley as they rush at each other.
[BEAST]: Come then mortal! Come to your oblivion!

**PAGE 7
Panel 1
A shot of Langley, as he ducks under the beasts slashing claws.
[CAP.]: I'm expecting him this time.

Panel 2
Langley slices at the Belphagor’s left wrist. Blue flam erupts from the cut.
[CAP]: I take his hand.

Panel 3
Langley slices the beast’s Achilles’ Tendon. Same blue flame.
[CAP]: Then his leg.



Panel 4
Langley then plunges the dagger into the beast’s heart from behind.
[CAP]: Then I take his heart.


Panel 5
A shot of the creature's face, it's eyes wide with pain and rage. Its eyes and mouth emit the same blue flame as his wounds.
[BEAST (Burst Balloon]: AAAAARRRRGH!!!

**PAGE 8

Panel 1
A side shot of the beast and Langley. The beast has erupted into bright blue flame, casting most of Langley’s features in blue light. Think big blue bonfire.

Panel 2
Similar shot, only the beast has slumped from its current position to the ground. It looks much smaller than it did. More human shaped. Langley also appears to be more slumped, having given most of his energy to killing the thing.
[CAP.]: My name is Cameron Michael Langley.

Panel 3
Langley picks up his gun and slides it back into his holster.
[CAP.]: And I am damned to Hell.

Panel 4
Back shot of Langley as he walks back into the doorway of the building they were fighting in front of. You can clearly see HATTAWAY ORPHANAGE above the door.
[CAP.]: When I was young, I did something really stupid. Now I don’t have much of a choice.[/HIDE]

 

[MaraJade]

Not a big nitpick, but dialogue should always begin indented in it's own paragraph.

The only other things I would point out is that some of the words are a bit flowery when there's really no need for them to be. A lot of budding writers (and even some established ones) tend to try to spice up their works with fancy-sounding compound words in an effort to make themselves sound more distinguished, but this really isn't necessary. It's a much better idea to use simple language and express yourself in clear, coherent ideas than it is to use big words when there's not a need to do so. It stands out in this case especially because of the first-person narrator: it would be unusual for a thirty-something renowned photographer to describe someone's clothing as "opulent." Know what I mean?

The other thing I was going to mention is the pacing. It seems a bit rushed to have this grand arrival, imminent threat of physical harm, and revelation that this crazy storyteller woman is the narrator's mother all in what is basically the introduction. Slow down your thoughts, bring the narrative to a slow boil and let it work itself out patiently, naturally. Of course, this may simply be due to the nature of the assignment, in which case you can disregard anything I've just said.

Overall, though, you've definitely found an interesting setup and entered into the story at exactly the most intriguing time. Keep it up!

Aside from the grammar points that Bolt so eloquently elucidated on, a couple things came to mind.

1) Seconded on Impulse's point. This is a pretty fantastic and sensory event. You have the description of your main object of focus down pretty well, but I would suggest focusing on the physical environment. The smell an ocean side has. The breeze and various odors that they carry, the feeling of sand, etc.

2) If you were to take some time to describe the environment, set the ambience of what's to happen, it will help you slow down the pace of writing and your observations would flow naturally as if the reader were there right beside you taking in this wondrous sight.

3) A comment about the imagery of the woman: "garbs of opulence and decadence" do not exist. A dress can give the feeling or opulence and decadence, but you'd do better to describe the complexities of the embroidery, the garment, physical things. All these little things together can generate a feeling that one is basking in the light of opulence or decadence.
You did better with the pillow description; gold leaf gives an ready idea that this pillow was quite fine.

4) The other thing that I'd like to mention, is that without knowing this was a specifically a creative writing piece, I'd think it was the beginning of a college or graduate school personal essay. That's not a bad thing; if you were to start an essay as such, it would definitely catch the reader's attention. That is a segue to my next point: it would help your readers/critics understand and hone their criticism better if you would state what was the purpose of your writing assignment. Creative Writing can mean many things and providing a description would help, because as Bolt alluded to, the nature of the assignment very much defines what should and should not happen and we, the critics could misinterpret.

All in all though, quite promising! Would be interested to see where you go from here storywise.:anime:

 

[kikaider287]

Thank you everyone who could give their critique and opinion! My GF hasn't read this yet, though I think she will love the responses. :thumbs: